My Harsh Inner Critic is a total B.

None of us was BORN with a harsh inner critic, with an ongoing narrative that constantly puts us down, demeans us, dismisses our feelings, and/or bullies us to perfection. This isn’t a natural part of everyone’s experiences – although it is, unfortunately, very common. It is a learned thing, this voice. Those of us that have one, learned it.

(and the good news is that we can un-learn it, too!)

Think back to the last time you heard your harsh inner critic, what does it sound like? whose voice is it? what are the words it uses? where did those come from?

Most harsh inner critics are pretty verbally abusive. But, because that’s what we’ve been told in the past, and because that’s what’s playing inside our heads, we believe them. It sounds like the voice of authority. This voice narrates everything we do or say or think or see and it totally alters our perspective. We feel like if we would just somehow try harder and get our sh*t together like that voice keeps harping on us to do, well… everything would be AMAZING. And since we don’t do that, we usually end up feeling like we really ARE just too lazy or bad... as if we were the horrible, imperfect, unworthy craplings our harsh inner critic says we are. And most of the time, we feel like that mean old voice is our only hope for redemption, like it is some kind of shining beacon lighting the path to successful adulting and worthwhile humanhood.

Let me tell you…it is a trap. A HUGE set up.

NO ONE can perfectly anticipate everyone else’s needs, or MAKE people happy; we can’t DO everything the harsh inner critic demands because we are not robots and even then, the SOB would probably find something to nitpick about, right? Because that’s the rule. YOU’RE always wrong, and the harsh inner critic is always RIGHT.

In reality, our harsh inner critics are, each and every one of them, a bully on a bit of a power trip. In REALITY, we aren’t the bad shameful creature it says we are.

Guess what? YOU really ARE good enough just as you are. I PROMISE!

Maybe if we weren’t being treated so badly within, we’d have more energy to see the positive intentions of our attempts, and we wouldn’t have to over-execute so much because we could determine what things deserve “D minus effort” (more things than you’d think, actually!!!) and which few things really merit “A plus plus effort”.

The sky won’t fall if we don’t do it all. If we could only start to see that bully for what it is. Tell it to buzz off a little. To take the day off. Because we can handle this without her. YOU CAN. You absolutely CAN. And maybe tell her we understand she means well, right? That a part of her is really trying to get us to be our best selves. But also that we understand she get SO carried away because she is actually kind of insecure, and it makes her feel better to boss people around EVEN THOUGH she lives INSIDE OUR HEAD and doesn’t really know what it’s like to be an actual real person.

SO, since our harsh inner critic has so much practice and is very SHOUTY, we may never be able to ignore it. But we can afford it some compassion – bless her little heart, she just doesn’t know any better. And now that WE know better, maybe we can bypass her a bit more. Maybe we don’t need to argue with her (I don’t know, maybe we DO!!) but we can also just dismiss her threats as based on bad information.

People, like animals, do NOT perform better while being abused. We all do our absolute best when we are LOVED. And while the harsh inner critic may not have that capacity, WE can start to appreciate our own unique selves. The same “me” that decides what to type or say or whether to go out in the rain without galoshes is the same “me” that can decide how much to rely on the harsh inner critic for guidance, and how much to allow my natural gifts to come out to play. We can begin to balance out our harsh inner critic by growing our inner sense of self-compassion.

Try doing one of my favorite things:

Try writing a list of things you like about yourself, things you’ve done, your interests, things you were born with, things other people have liked about you, even things that are only true 5% of the time. Ask people you trust to help with your list, this is a collaborative project and there is no time limit, just keep adding to it. You will eventually get to 100 or more things. I GUARANTEE  there are at least 100 positive things associated with your unique life even if it is hard for you to see them from your point of view right now. Keep your list-in-progress somewhere you’ll see it. Read it OFTEN. ADD TO IT as you discover something new that you like about yourself. Read it OUT LOUD so you HAVE to listen. Let it soak in. You’re GOOD. You. Are. Good.

REMEMBER:

Self-compassion is different from “being selfish” which is putting yourself first above everything else, even if that’s how it may feel at first.

Self-compassion is about taking into account that OUR needs and wants and preferences and opinions and dreams are AT LEAST as important and worthwhile as everyone else’s. That’s it. (But, then again, that’s also pretty huge!!)