EITHER/OR versus BOTH/AND
When the world gets overwhelming, sometimes our brains take a short cut and we oversimplify our experiences just so that we have a way to explain the chaos we’re going through to ourselves. It’s ALL or NOTHING, BLACK or WHITE, ALLWAYS or NEVER, it’s either FOR US or it’s AGAINST US, you get the picture. It’s polarizing, and it seems like it’s everywhere nowadays.
This is just a function of how our bodies try to protect us when we’re under duress. When the body detects threat, it secretes chemicals that make us restless, we feel a sense of urgency to react RIGHT NOW, and it’s easiest to do that if we can narrow down our choices; even if that doesn’t accurately reflect the complexity of the moment.
In a true emergency, EITHER/OR thinking can be a hero, it can detect danger and activate us to protect ourselves without much conscious deliberation. Could you imagine having to calculate a physics equation in order to determine the trajectory of an out-of-control semi-truck before decided how to proceed? NO thank you!!!
EITHER/OR thinking takes control and makes the best guess of whether we should drive forward or steer out of the way MUCH more efficiently and quickly. Even though this decision-making process often assumes the worst, it’s better to be safe than sorry if there is a potential for lethality – driving on the shoulder for a while doesn’t do much harm compared the benefits of a significantly decreased risk of getting sideswiped or worse.
BUT most of us apply EITHER/OR thinking far too broadly, when we aren’t really being exposed to harm. And this practice robs us of many wonderful and uniquely human tools that can be of service. If we are in a situation where we CAN tolerate a moderate level of uncertainty and ambiguity, social primates like us usually benefit from a sense of curiosity to explore the world and learn NEW information that can help us make better-informed long-term decisions for ourselves and for the larger group.
This is called BOTH/AND thinking, it’s about accepting the world as it is, embracing all of its varied points of views and contradictions. However, this way of viewing the world usually doesn’t get activated unless an individual feels safe, on a physical and emotional level.
With BOTH/AND thinking, we have the luxury of examining the ins and outs of a concern, the strength and weaknesses of every angle, and the time to consult with others and to create functional compromises that take into account the impact of each outcome on all of the stakeholders. Because there is no actual IMMINENT DANGER, all points of view can be considered for their potential merit, even if we don’t agree with all of them personally. We are emboldened to make well-reasoned choices, about our career tracks, for example, or a future mate, by weighing many variables and considering all of the nuances of the situations.
In fact, BOTH/AND thinking gives us the space to let others be different from us, or “wrong,” or even just misinformed; without the urgency of our having to act impulsively or to need to fix them or force them into an EITHER/OR category. A more tempered response to different points of view can provide more people with a sense of safety – of inclusivity, and belonging. We ALL really just want to be heard, right? Maybe then, more folks would feel safe enough to challenge their defaults from EITHER/OR thinking, and begin to experiment with some BOTH/AND thinking.
So, long story short:
Sometimes, EITHER/OR thinking is helpful and adaptive. AND sometimes it keeps us guarded and pessimistic without sufficient cause.
Are there ways your brain keeps you in EITHER/OR thinking unnecessarily?
What kind of support do you need to keep you in BOTH/AND thinking?
When would BOTH/AND thinking be MOST beneficial to you?
